Updated: Jun 17
How is everyone doing?? Ghaaa, what a rollercoaster May was huh?
I was deep in the feels. I’m sure all of you were too..aaaand I just didn’t have the energy or capacity to wade through all of it and try to make sense of it all… again. I need my own wellness check!
My heart goes out to you and everyone affected by the tragedies in Buffalo and Uvalde. The fact that we have to continually feel the shock of…then try to process these attacks over and over and over is NOT normal. However you cope, I respect it, we all deal with grief and tragedy differently.
For me - I usually just check out ✌🏽. I’m a cancer moon, so I craw in my shell and cry and feel the injustices deep in my bones. So most of my energy is then focused on regulating my thoughts and emotions so I can come back to this crazy reality a little stronger and a little braver.
Anywhooo… sending you all massive bear hugs and gentle forehead kisses. 💞
A Recovering Perfectionist... Under Construction 🚧
This month, members of the latest Reclaiming group are working on how to identify and heal the cycle of perfectionism. So I thought I’d share a little about my own journey with this - because I too am a work in progress. #underconstruction
First off - any perfectionists out there?? If you’re in the Ouroboros Healing community chances are you are. This community is full of women who aim high, overachieve, and carry the expectations and dreams of their ancestors on their backs!...or is that just me??
A little known fact...perfectionism is actually a trauma response, a way we meet our need for validation, approval, and our sense of worthiness.
As a recovering perfectionist - it’s important for me to constantly monitor my intentions and motivation for doing something, especially within the container of this beautiful business I have the privilege of co-creating.
For me, perfectionism shows up in the most insidious ways. For example, I’ve been hosting a bi-weekly IG Live series called “Small Flowness Saturday.” It was intended to build community, share resources and swap war stories with other soulpreneurs trying to stay in flow while they boss lady it up and do alllll the things to nurture their soulful callings. It was also a way to connect with folx outside of this newsletter, my 1:1 sessions, or group work.
However, the motivation to continue doing it began to shift…but my perfectionist mentality didn't allow me the space to check in with my initial motivation. Over the years I've learned the underlying motivation that drives my perfectionism is: I’m not allowed to “fail”.
This negative belief system has clouded my judgment on many occasions, but since I’ve learned to befriend my perfectionism, I notice pretty quickly now when it begins to rear its annoying, scrappy little head.🤨
This old negative belief system was creating internal conflict. It became more about why “I can’t or shouldn't stop” than the initial intention behind starting it in the first place: educating my community. I truly felt like I was failing you all if I stopped it! Quitting, stopping, or "giving up” was something I associated with FAILURE for so long!
Because of this, most of my work around perfectionism has been about re-evaluating my perception of failure. I’m now able to look back at previous “failures” and see them as lessons, trial periods…. opportunities for growth (eyeroll) 🙃. I’ve come to accept that nothing is really actually a true failure because we undoubtedly gain some experience from it...and those experiences inform our future strategies, decisions, and outcomes.
So here’s how perfectionism tried to cloud my judgment around the decision to keep or say good bye to Small Flowness Saturday:
Since I SAID I was going to do it - that meant I HAD to keep doing it!
I forgot that everything in business deserves a “trial period” and a time to re-evaluate!
As the voice of my perfectionism grew louder it got easier to push past my intuition telling me something felt off.
I forgot this is my business and I’m allowed to switch gears if I want to!
I forgot that nothing is permanent!
It’s wild to think that even in my autonomy as a solopreneur - I felt like I would get in trouble?! In reality - I just didn't want to disappoint you all and I didn’t want to be judged. But it’s totally OK to re-start, revise, and even scrap an idea completely. It's also ok if you judge me. 🤷🏻♀️
My intention was to build community but I was no longer feeling inspired or energized to do Small Flowness Saturday and I wasn't looking forward to it….On SATURDAYS! So....I will try it on Friday mornings and see if it sticks.😬 Such a small conclusion, right?! So much fuss yet so anti-climactic. Welp! That’s perfectionism for ya!
Last week I reminded the Reclaiming group that perfectionism isn’t one or two acts of perfectionism or hyper-vigilance around a specific thing.
Perfectionism is a way of LIFE!
It literally affects all aspects of your life and it takes WORK to recognize the unique ways in which it shows up for you. It takes WORK to learn new tools and actually use them to heal this toxic behavior pattern so you can move towards a relationship with productivity that is supportive vs depleting.
Perfectionism is something that goes away gradually and tries to come back just the same. So even I, as a coach, still have to work at keeping it in check. One of the ways I do that is by coming back to the intention and motivation for why I'm doing something because this is what will keep me moving forward when perfectionism creeps in. Sometimes it takes me a few days or even weeks to really nail why my perfectionism is showing up again, but it gets easier with practice…and a LOT of self-compassion. Self-Compassion is the antithesis to perfectionism!
I share all of this with you because I want you to feel seen in your journey to healing, because it's not linear. We’re all cycling through different places on the journey and I hope my unexpected bumps in the road can be used as brightly painted yellow speed bumps to help you slow down and provide a smoother, gentler ride.
If you are currently recognizing that something no longer fits your life or feels out of alignment for you - I know how scary it can be to admit that it’s no longer working and it’s time to move in a different direction or simply let go and walk away. Know that pivoting is OK and it's part of the process. We have to TRY things out first to learn whether it is or isn't a good fit for us, right? Shoes, bras, lovers… it’s all the same.
If you’d like to learn more about the cycle of perfectionism and how to heal this toxic behavior pattern, I’m here to support you! If you feel called to go deeper, I invite you to book your free 1-hour clarity call and start your healing journey to free yourself from the chains of this destructive cycle and start managing it!
Sending you love and strength, my beautifully brave bbs.